when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize