eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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