i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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