I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
