I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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