I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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