I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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