I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
