watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
