My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
