My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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