I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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