I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
