Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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