can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
