when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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