I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
