Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
