Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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