Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
