I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
