Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
