I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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