So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
