If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
