im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
