Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
