i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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