see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
