I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
