The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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