But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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