I love black thongs
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You were trust falling into bushes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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