I smell stomach acid.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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