I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
