life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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