Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
