My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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