I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You've changed since you got that strap on
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
