You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
