My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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