On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
