is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
