hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
