you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
