I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
