Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
