i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
