I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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