ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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