Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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