Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
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