So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
