everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
