never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
