I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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