i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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