She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
